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Perspective: by Jerry Pyle
In the name of all that is good, Kill the Dragons
It was a pretty good week for Cobber sports. The SID, coach Pyle, for a small fee, said I could write the Perspective column for him this week. And Cobberville is getting ready to take on the Dragons from Moorhead State next week.
I regard this as a perfect opportunity to bring some candor to this column.
Normally, this space is used by Pyle to pontificate about all that is wrong elsewhere in college sport and to brag about how saintly sports is conducted here in Cobberville. Well, as a former Cobber with some experience in such matters, I'm here to tell you we ain't perfect.
But we're sure a lot better than those scum from Dragonville.
This Saturday the Cobber football team travels across town to that den of iniquity called Moorhead State University. As a prelude to the Cobber-Dragon football game on Sept. 8th, our volleyball team will play the "lizards" on Wednesday night at MSU.
Both Cobber teams will be prepared for the stench of Godless secular values which Moorhead State dwells in.
The Cobbers are braced for this crusade.
True Cobbers know this is a battle between God-fearing athletes, who play to honor God, family, school and country, and those semi-professional jocks from Dragonville.
These will be games between a God-supported institution with high academic standards and a state-supported school that probably has "open enrollment." It is solid Scandinavian stock verses the Dragon melting pot. It is the private sector verses, essentially, government workers. It is one of the "thousand points of light" verses the forces of darkness.
Still, some people want Moorhead State to win. We in Cobberville regard that as a failure on our part to communicate God's will to the heathen masses.
In the past, this column has been used by SID Pyle to heap praise on the Cobber-Dragon series as a supposed example of the tradition-rich, friendly-rivalry-type series that makes intercollegiate competition so treasured as a shared cultural celebration.
That stuff makes me gag.
A Concordia-Moorhead State battle is, pure and simple, a Christians vs Evil affair. And God's team, Concordia, leads the football series 41-14-12, dating back to 1920.
God is older than all of us and God takes care of his own. Remember that.
All this week the coaches from both teams will talk in the press about how much they respect and admire the other's program. They will say it's an honor to be playing such a fine school with a team filled with such fine young men. It's all a bunch of phoney bunk.
Maybe the coaches believe all that stuff. But us true Christians know these games have a sacred spiritual quality. We're going to kill those wretched souls.
The Cobbers stand for truth, justice, the American way and the NCAA. The Dragons stand for the we-don't-really-have-any-rules NAIA.
The Cobbers are true student athletes, already hard at work in their classes. The Dragons, bent on perpetuating the economic decline of America, don't even start school until some time in mid-September.
This is also, as always, a David and Goliath affair, especially in light of the recent announcement that MSU now has more students than even mighty NDSU. It will be the 10,000-strong Goliath versus the 2,900 hundred Davids here at Cobberville. We all know, at least those here in Cobberville, trained as we are in Bible-type stuff, how Goliath ended up.
The Dragons have again managed to scheme it so that one of their former mediocre quarterbacks, Fast Eddie Schultz from WDAY, will be doing the television play-by-play. Eddie will, as always, express mocking surprise when a Cobber football player manages to run in the right direction.
But the Cobbers will overcome even this Dragon scam and send the lowly Dragons down to defeat for the third straight year.
It's gonna' be a great year for Cobber football. We'll start by vanquishing the secular demons of MSU and end up in the Metrodome on November 10th against the indulgence-sellers from St. John's.
Who says sports has no meaning?
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